Loser Society

A Loser’s Resume

Posted on November 13th, 2008 by Jack The Loser | No Comments »

My Resume (version 1731)

Objective:

Seek a position with the highest possible salary and the lowest possible qualifications.

Education:

Bachelor of Science in Mathematics (with Dishonors), University of California
Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy (with Indistinction), Univeristy of Hawaii
Master of Finance, University of Bankruptcy
Honorary Ph.D. Degree in Creative Writing, awarded by the Institute of Professional Liars.

Unprofessional Designations:

FSN - Freak of the Society of Nerds
MLS - Member of Loser Society
APA - Almost Pass Anything

Unprofessional Awards:

Nerd of the Week, 138 weeks, awarded by the SON (Society of Nerds)
Loser of the Month, 29 months, awarded by LS (Loser Society)

Experience:
Loser Society (1998 - present): Consultant (a.k.a. Bum)

Write, rewrite, re-rewrite, etc., Loser Member Handbook
Advise new members on how to become a loser with style
Maintain high morale by constantly reminding members of how bad they suck
Improve Society’s image by publicly making fun of all the winners

State of Confusion (1992 - 1998): Manager (a.k.a. Baby-sitter)

Went to all meetings, with and without invitation
Looked important
Hired and fired people
Put whiny employees to sleep by calling and conducting meetings
Wrote letters to senior management asking for promotion
Updated resumes
Wrote up excuses for missing numerous deadlines
Quit - got fed up with air-head bosses and crybaby employees

Society of Nerds (1990 - 1992): Assistant Vice Secretary (a.k.a. Nobody)

Organized study groups for all the nerds and kept track of attendance
Wrote warning letters to members who were suspected of reading “knock-knock” jokes
Assisted with preparing “social events” for members, such as: “The SON’s Annual Longest-Sitting Contest,” “The SON’s Quarterly Most-Boring-Speech-Giving Contest,” “The SON’s Monthly Useless-Formula-Memorizing Contest,” and “The SON’s Weekly Study Contest”
Fired - suspected of boring two co-workers to death

Publication:

The One-Dimensional Man, Loser Society Press, the number one doctor-recommended novel for people who suffer from serious insomnia.
An Idiot’s Guide to Dummies: How to Reach the Highest Level of Stupidity, Loser Society Press.
“The Art” series, Loser Society Press, an international worst-seller:

The Art of Working with Negative Numbers: Balancing Your Checkbook

The Art of Lying: True Liars Believe Their Own Lies

The Art of Doing Nothing: How to Achieve All Your Dreams by Sleeping

The Art of Burning Bridges: Seven Most Effective Ways to Get Rid of Friends

The Art of Dealing with Serious People: What to Do When Tickling Doesn’t Work

Hobbies:

Sleep, make fun of people, and sleep

Languages:

English (American): good enough to swear.
English (British): know how to spell “colour,” “socialise,” and pronounce “neither” correctly.
German: know how to say: “I have no time. I have no money. I have no interest.” (”Ich habe keine Zeit. Ich habe kein Geld. Ich habe keine Lust.”)
French: know how to say: “It’s 9 o’clock.” (”Il est neuf heures.”)
Chinese: know how to write “1, 2, 3″ (”-, =, =“)
Italian: can say “pizza.”
Japanese: can say “sushi.”
Spanish: can say “stupid.” (It’s “zote,” not really “stupido”)

References:

Johann Sebastian Bach of Leipzig, Germany
Jean-Paul Sartre of Paris, France
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain) of Mississipi, USA

The Bible Story

Posted on November 13th, 2008 by Jack The Loser | No Comments »

Excerpt: The Parable of the Talents (Mathew 25:14-30)

Again, it (the kingdom of heaven) will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money.

After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’

His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

The man with the two talents also came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.’

His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

Then the man who had received the one talent came. ‘Master,’ he said, ‘I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.’

His master replied, ‘You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

‘Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have in abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

Well, whatever it means, I find this story very true. Whether it’s the “kingdom of heaven” or this reality, life is hardly fair. I heard this story in church when I was little and hoped that the third guy make another talent from his money. Then I heard it again and again later when I grew up, but the story never changed! Anyway, I felt sorry for that freakin’ loser. Why wouldn’t the master give each of them 5 talents? Or each of them 2 talents? Or each of them 1 talent? It would be a little more fair, wouldn’t it?

Ah what the heck! Here is a modern story that is “similar” to the above:

Working for a brokerage firm were 3 brokers: Moe, Larry, and Curly. Moe had a big, nice office in which he spent most of the time playing solitaire. Yet he got a salary of $100 thousand a year, a free car to drive, and a sizable compensation package. Larry had a smaller office where he shopped online half of the time. His job was to supervise Curly, so he got pension plan, 401(K), medical & dental care, and life insurance on top of 60-grand salary. Curly had a small and dirty cubicle where he piled up tons of paper and worked like hell. He got a salary of $20 thousand a year. The only benefit he received was medical insurance as required by law.

Moe couldn’t spend all the money, so he put it in stocks. Five years later he got $100 thousand in profits. Similarly, Larry kept his extra dough in mutual funds that earned him another $60 thousand. Poor Curly didn’t have enough money to spend, so after 5 years he ended up with $20 thousand in credit card debts.

As the company expanded, their boss called them to the office to inquire about their financial performances. There he asked “what have you done with your money?” Moe said “me, boss? With your generous offer I invested my money in stocks and got $100 thousand over 5 years.” The boss said: “Well done, buddy; since you’ve done good with your personal finance, I’ll put you in charge of our new branch with an extra $100 thousand yearly compensation.”

Similarly, Larry told the boss about his financial gains, to which the boss replied: “fabulous, fellow; since you’ve done good with your personal finance, I’ll put you in charge of this branch with an extra $60 thousand yearly compensation.”

Curly scratched his head and couldn’t answer the question. So the boss asked him again “what have you done with your money?” “C’mon boss,” Curly said, “I’m tired of your heartlessness and hypocrisy. What can I do with my salary? Fixing my used car?”

So the boss replied: “It is said that ‘For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have in abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him.’ So pack your shit out of here and don’t ever ask for reference from this company!”

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