A Loser’s Resume

Posted on November 13, 2008
Filed Under Loser Share | 117 Comments

My Resume (version 1731)

Objective:

Seek a position with the highest possible salary and the lowest possible qualifications.

Education:

  • Bachelor of Science in Mathematics (with Dishonors), University of California
  • Bachelor of Arts in Philosophy (with Indistinction), Univeristy of Hawaii
  • Master of Finance, University of Bankruptcy
  • Honorary Ph.D. Degree in Creative Writing, awarded by the Institute of Professional Liars.

Unprofessional Designations:

  • FSN – Freak of the Society of Nerds
  • MLS – Member of Loser Society
  • APA – Almost Pass Anything

Unprofessional Awards:

  • Nerd of the Week, 138 weeks, awarded by the SON (Society of Nerds)
  • Loser of the Month, 29 months, awarded by LS (Loser Society)

Experience:
Loser Society (1998 – present): Consultant (a.k.a. Bum)

  • Write, rewrite, re-rewrite, etc., Loser Member Handbook
  • Advise new members on how to become a loser with style
  • Maintain high morale by constantly reminding members of how bad they suck
  • Improve Society’s image by publicly making fun of all the winners

State of Confusion (1992 – 1998): Manager (a.k.a. Baby-sitter)

  • Went to all meetings, with and without invitation
  • Looked important
  • Hired and fired people
  • Put whiny employees to sleep by calling and conducting meetings
  • Wrote letters to senior management asking for promotion
  • Updated resumes
  • Wrote up excuses for missing numerous deadlines
  • Quit – got fed up with air-head bosses and crybaby employees

Society of Nerds (1990 – 1992): Assistant Vice Secretary (a.k.a. Nobody)

  • Organized study groups for all the nerds and kept track of attendance
  • Wrote warning letters to members who were suspected of reading “knock-knock” jokes
  • Assisted with preparing “social events” for members, such as: “The SON’s Annual Longest-Sitting Contest,” “The SON’s Quarterly Most-Boring-Speech-Giving Contest,” “The SON’s Monthly Useless-Formula-Memorizing Contest,” and “The SON’s Weekly Study Contest”
  • Fired – suspected of boring two co-workers to death

Publication:

  • The One-Dimensional Man, Loser Society Press, the number one doctor-recommended novel for people who suffer from serious insomnia.
  • An Idiot’s Guide to Dummies: How to Reach the Highest Level of Stupidity, Loser Society Press.
  • “The Art” series, Loser Society Press, an international worst-seller:

  • The Art of Working with Negative Numbers: Balancing Your Checkbook
  • The Art of Lying: True Liars Believe Their Own Lies
  • The Art of Doing Nothing: How to Achieve All Your Dreams by Sleeping
  • The Art of Burning Bridges: Seven Most Effective Ways to Get Rid of Friends
  • The Art of Dealing with Serious People: What to Do When Tickling Doesn’t Work

    		•

    Hobbies:

    • Sleep, make fun of people, and sleep

    Languages:

    • English (American): good enough to swear.
    • English (British): know how to spell “colour,” “socialise,” and pronounce “neither” correctly.
    • German: know how to say: “I have no time. I have no money. I have no interest.” (“Ich habe keine Zeit. Ich habe kein Geld. Ich habe keine Lust.”)
    • French: know how to say: “It’s 9 o’clock.” (“Il est neuf heures.”)
    • Chinese: know how to write “1, 2, 3″ (“-, =, =“)
    • Italian: can say “pizza.”
    • Japanese: can say “sushi.”
    • Spanish: can say “stupid.” (It’s “zote,” not really “stupido”)

    References:

    • Johann Sebastian Bach of Leipzig, Germany
    • Jean-Paul Sartre of Paris, France
    • Samuel Langhorne Clemens (a.k.a. Mark Twain) of Mississipi, USA

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